The Character of Self-Esteem

By Steve Wilson

Copyright 1998, All Rights Reserved

(approximately 1,232 words)

Would you help me make self-esteem accessible to more people by offering clear examples of what it is along with suggestions of simple practices that build it? Here are some examples I found recently and some of the practices I would recommend. It would be a big help if you could add to these. If you cannot add something, perhaps you could help by passing these along. It seems to me that there is an essential connection between character and self-esteem. My Webster's dictionary defines character as: 1) A distinguishing feature; 2) The group of ethical and moral characteristics that mark a person or group. 3) Moral integrity. 4) Reputation. In the framework of Nathaniel Branden's, "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem" (Bantam Books) this might be most closely associated with the practice he calls personal integrity. He describes this as living with congruence between what we know, what we profess, and what we do; telling the truth, honoring our commitments, exemplifying in action in action the values we profess to admire; dealing with others fairly and benevolently.

Bryan Robinson & Jamey McCullers, in "611 Ways to Boost Your Self-Esteem" advise that you "define your importance by your character, not by your accomplishments". Harry R. Moody, in "The Five Stages of The Soul" (Anchor Books, 1997) presents the connection this way: "We do not gain self-esteem, Christian texts remind us with special urgency, by telling ourselves how wonderful we are, or by soft-pedaling our misdeeds. We gain it by sincerely facing our flaws, correcting them as best we can, resolving with all our hearts to do better in the future, and putting our finest virtues of soul into daily practice -- unselfishness, generosity, kindness, patience, and love. We gain real self-esteem, in other words, not by "getting comfortable with ourselves," or "becoming our own best friend," or any of these other trendy prescriptions. We gain it by cultivating good character, an obvious fact, perhaps, but one that has been largely tossed out with the bathwater in what Christopher Lasch referred to as our "Culture of Narcissism".

Some years ago I saw a cartoon in The New Yorker that seemed to sum it all up. The drawing shows an urbane devil greeting a group of new arrivals in hell. Looking them over with a TV announcer's smile, the infernal welcomer informs his cowering wards, "Down here, we just want you to know, there is no right or wrong; only what works for you."

Mitch Albom, in "Tuesdays With Morrie" (Doubleday, 1997) tells how his old professor, Morrie Schwartz, then dying of ALS, had another way of explaining self-esteeming practices:

"There's a big confusion in this country over what we want versus what we need," Morrie said. "You need food, you want a chocolate sundae. You have to be honest with yourself. You don't need the latest sports car, you don't need the biggest house. "The truth is, you don't get satisfaction from those things. You know what really gives you satisfaction?"

What?

"Offering others what you have to give." You sound like a boy scout. "I don't mean money, Mitch. I mean your time. Your concern. Your storytelling. It's not so hard. There's a senior center that opened near here. Dozens of elderly people come there every day. If you're a young man or young woman and you have a skill, you are asked to come and teach it. Say you know computers. You come there and teach them computers. You are welcome there. And they are very grateful. This is how you start to get respect, by offering something that you have. "There are plenty of places to do this. You don't need to have a big talent. There are lonely people in hospitals and shelters who only want some companionship. You play cards with a lonely older man and you find new respect for yourself, because you are needed.

"Remember what I said about finding a meaningful life? I wrote it down, but now I can recite it: Devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning. "You notice," he added, grinning, "there's nothing in there about a salary." Later, Morrie adds, "Do the kinds of things that come from the heart. When you do, you won't be dissatisfied, you won't be envious, you won't be longing for somebody else's things. On the contrary, you'll be overwhelmed with what comes back."

Practical Practices

One fundamental way to build self-esteem is by engaging in the practice of giving without the thought of getting anything in particular in return: the gift freely given has no strings attached, no sense of needing to consider what's in it for me. A favorite practice of mine is to save strangers from getting cited for parking violations. I do this by noticing, as I walk down the street, if there are any cars parked at meters that have expired, and dropping in a few coins to extend the legal time for parking. If my efforts help someone, there is no possible way for them to return the favor directly or even say thank you. I have no idea who I helped and they probably have no idea the help was rendered. I just feel better for having done it. It boosts my self-esteem.

Other Simple Practices

Here are some of the other practices for building self-esteem recommended by Robinson and McCullers:

• Be a part of life instead of apart from it.
• Instead of saying "yes" when you mean "no," say "no" when you mean "no."
• Learn to ask for what you want.
• When you have a choice of being alone or in bad company, choose being alone.
• Think three positive thoughts about yourself before falling asleep at night and before getting out of bed each morning.
• Let someone who is in a hurry go ahead of you in the grocery store line.
• Avoid people who point out your faults all the time.
• Hit the middle of the road between self-centeredness and self-neglect.
• Always be who you are instead of who others want you to be.
• Live by the adage, "Nobody can walk all over you if you're not lying down."
• Look yourself eye-to-eye in the mirror and tell yourself that you are loving and lovable.
• Accept your love handles, gray hair and everything else about yourself exactly as you are.
• When someone gives you a compliment, take time to hear it before returning the favor.
• Subscribe to uplifting magazines that give you tips for feeling good about yourself.
• Ride the waves on a raft.
• Invent new solutions to old problems after wearing out old solutions that you know don't work.
• Stop going back to the same people for the same rejections.
• Tell the truth to yourself and to others
• Establish healthy rituals, such as quiet reflections, while you have a hot drink in the mornings.
• Avoid little white lies.

So, Can You Help?

If you have a way of explaining how self-esteem might be related to character, or if you have some practice like those above that works for you, please sendit to me and I will find a way to pass it along. Together, we can promote esteeming in this important way.